An open relationship, a curse or a blessing?

The courage to start the conversation
I still remember how difficult it was for me the first time to talk to a partner about the need for an open relationship. We'd been together for four years, and the little sex we still had felt predictable and boring. We both knew we were fooling around behind each other's backs, but we didn't talk about it. I was frustrated, but I didn't dare take the first step. Out of fear of hurting him, how he would react, and losing him. Until I asked myself what the man I wanted to be would do.

That thought gave me courage, so I started the conversation. I told him I still loved him, but that I wanted to be open and honest about our sexual incompatibility, regardless of the consequences. It was a difficult conversation, one in which I felt both sadness and relief. He responded positively, and we made new agreements. The tension was gone, which significantly improved our communication. And because I could now share beforehand or afterward that I was meeting other men, I enjoyed the moment much more during those dates.

And I see that as the biggest advantage of an open relationship. Because when two people enter a relationship, the chemistry is usually great at first. But over time, sometimes one or both of you feels a bit off. It's perfectly normal for one person to have a higher libido, for your needs to differ, or for you both to have different fantasies. It's great if you can work it out together, but that's not a given. And then there comes a time when you have to choose whether to accept it, to look for ways to fulfill your own desires, or to overcome shame or fear and find a way that works for both of you. It might feel like failure or a last-ditch effort to save your relationship. Personally, I prefer to see it as an opportunity to grow together, and I'd be happy to explain why.

Roughly speaking, there are three most common types of open relationships.

If you've been together for a long time, you've often built a solid foundation. You know each other inside and out, share common values, a house, a dog or cat, a car, and the goal of growing old together. But when it comes to sex, your needs are miles apart. And to prevent constant tension or arguments, you decide to give each other space. But you don't need to know what your partner is up to. You don't care much about it, or it triggers feelings of jealousy or discomfort.

Then you can make an agreement to give each other the space to have sex with others, but not to share it. You feel relieved, cause now you can both do what you need. The advantage is that you don't have to deal with any discomfort or jealousy; the downside is that by not sharing it, you might feel like you're living as brothers under the same roof. By not communicating, you also miss out on something: the opportunity to have difficult conversations with the intention of understanding each other better and finding solutions. A skill that improves your current and/ or future relationships.

It's also possible that you decide to only have sex when you're together. You look online for hook ups and invite them home. You go to the sauna or cruise bar together. Or you meet up with mutual friends with benefits. Seeing your partner with another man might even turn you on. Or you discover a side of him you weren't aware of before. This can even boost the sex between you. At the same time, you may find yourself on a date who prefers one person over the other. This can trigger feelings of rejection or jealousy. In that case, it helps to talk to each other as soon as possible about how this affects both of you and whether it's necessary to adjust previously made agreements. It often helps to regularly evaluate, be mindful of each other's feelings and needs, and agree that your relationship is always the highest priority. Not just in words, but especially in behavior. This way, you both feel seen and your mutual trust is maintained.

The third form involves establishing clear boundaries within which you give each other freedom. For example, it's okay to meet other men, but not in the shared bedroom. It's okay to have anonymous sex dates, but not with friends or acquaintances. Or if feelings arise, you break off contact and discuss this together. This form requires a great deal of openness and vulnerability, but if both sides succeed, the relationship can gain enormous depth.

Opening up your relationship isn't a quick fix. And there's no blueprint for the perfect open relationship. Every relationship begins in the middle: between you and your partner. What works for others might not work for you. It requires constant coordination to determine what feels right for both of you. Talking, experimenting, feeling, and talking again. That's hard work and requires genuinely listening to each other's needs. But if you manage to find each other in the middle, an open relationship can be a wonderful way to develop yourselves and grow together.