Genuine connection requires taking risks

Jan 14 / Rene Luisman
Many of the men I work with yearn for genuine connection. A relationship where you feel completely seen, heard, and supported. Where you can truly be yourself, with all your strengths and weaknesses. But what if connections remain superficial and you crave more connection?

Genuine connection in fleeting times
During the Christmas holidays, I spent a few days in Ostend. I was looking forward to walking along the Belgian coast and enjoying the Christmas atmosphere in Bruges.

And because this seaside resort was completely deserted in winter, there was plenty of time to read. Shortly before, I had received a special book: "The Hour of the Heart," about genuine connection in fleeting times.

In this book, Irvin Yalom describes how, after working as a therapist for sixty years, he is struggling with serious memory problems. He frequently no longer recognizes his clients' faces, let alone remembers anything they previously discussed. But Irvin doesn't want to end his career yet, so he chooses a unique approach.
 
From now on, Irvin offers only one-hour sessions. In that one hour, he uses his years of experience to get to the heart of the problem. An experiment that quickly proves successful.In this book, Irvin Yalom describes how, after working as a therapist for sixty years, he is struggling with serious memory problems. He frequently no longer recognizes his clients' faces, let alone remembers anything they previously discussed. But Irvin doesn't want to end his career yet, so he chooses a unique approach.

Three reasons why his approach works
Reading this book, I immediately understood why it was such a success. Most patterns are deeply ingrained and can't be broken in an hour. However, Irvin's approach ensures that real contact can be made. Something many people yearn for, especially these days.
 
He does this by:
1. Self-disclosure (sharing his own experiences)
2. Working in the here and now
3. Discussing the relationship
 
Together, these three elements form a powerful foundation for deepening the relationship. Unfortunately, the dementia has now progressed to the point that Irvin has stopped his consultations.
Why then share this story? 
Because many of the gay men I work with also long for genuine connection. A relationship where you feel completely seen, heard, and supported. Where you can truly be yourself, with all your strengths and weaknesses. And where you often also search for what you once missed.
 
When I work with these men, I notice in the present moment that they're often cautious. They're very focused on the other person's reaction, in this case, me. Perhaps you recognize this, that you keep a close eye on the other person and look for confirmation that you are okay.
 
And that's perfectly logical. We've often experienced in our past that it's unsafe to make ourselves vulnerable. That doing so can have serious consequences, and that we might even be held accountable for it. So, consciously or unconsciously, we've become more cautious.

Genuine connection requires risks
But herein also lies the key to change. The quality of the connection depends on the risks you are willing to take. For example, by being honest with yourself, even if that means it evokes feelings of discomfort, fear or sadness. By saying what you think about something, even if it might hurt the other person. And by expressing what you need, even if you don't know if the other person can give it. When one person has the courage to truly show themselves, the other is also invited, and the relationship can grow.
 
Precisely because real contact carries risks, it's helpful to practice this in a safe setting. A place where you can experiment with new behaviors and experience the effects they have on you and others.
 
So if you feel you need real connection, ask yourself this question:
How much of myself do I really reveal? And what would I gain if I took a little more risk?



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