May I touch you? About boundaries and desire between men

‘May I touch you?’ I ask. He looks at me questioningly and shrugs his shoulders. ‘Isn’t that what we’re here for?’ The indifferent tone in which he says it makes me start to doubt myself for a moment. My first reflex is to adapt to the norm this other man sets. Until I realize: this is precisely where it touches the core of intimacy and sexuality.

This situation took place during a multi-day training course on intimacy and sexuality. A theme that is precisely about working on the boundary: between desire and restraint, between closeness and autonomy, between what is exciting and what feels unsafe. The assignment was to touch each other’s bodies and experience what this does to you. My need to first check with him if he agreed to this stemmed from carefulness. Towards him, but also towards myself.

Crossing the boundary
For as a gay man, I know the other route all too well: crossing the boundary and just seeing what happens. You see a profile online that appeals to you, send some flirty messages, check what the other person is looking for, and before you know it, you are exchanging explicit photos or planning a sex date. Or you go to a cruise bar, walk around in revealing jockstraps, and before you know it, you feel a hand on your buttocks or genitals. And if you push a hand or mouth away in the sauna, the other person sometimes still tries to persuade you to have sexual contact. It can certainly lead to an exciting evening, but it can also cause emotional insecurity, confusion, and boundary-crossing behavior. Too often we have been touched in ways and places that were not pleasant or safe.

Where does your personal boundary lie?
Boundaries are personal and depend on location, timing, and context. What you experience as pleasant at home with your partner may feel uncomfortable in a public place. Or vice versa: what seems predictable at home can become exciting as soon as there is a chance that others might see you. A boundary is therefore not always a hard line.

Sometimes it is more of a signal from your body asking for attention. Your boundaries are partly shaped by what you learned about intimacy and sexuality from your upbringing, culture, and environment. If you grow up in a religious environment, views on sex can be very different than if sexuality was discussed openly and freely at home. A belief such as ‘if you enjoy sex, you are a slut’ can be restrictive and cause tension, pressure, and shame. Conversely, the thought ‘I allow myself to be a sexual being’ can provide space and be liberating.

Previous experiences also determine how you approach intimacy and sexuality. Many gay men have faced situations at a young age where their boundaries were not properly recognized or respected. For example, because you did not yet know how to set your boundaries, or because you were seeking recognition from other boys and men. If such experiences have not been sufficiently processed, this can carry over during sex: you stiffen up, lose contact with your body, dissociate, or only recognize your boundaries after you have already crossed them.