Psychological unsafety: What if you're feeling constantly alert or on your guard?

For some gay men, psychological unsafety is the default mode, because you learned at a young age that it has consequences when you show your true self.

When it comes to safety, you might immediately think of how safe you feel on the street. Especially when violence occurs around Pride, as recently happened in Berlin, physical safety becomes very concrete. At the same time, there is another layer of safety: psychological safety. This concerns the question of whether you feel free enough inside to be yourself, to speak your mind, and to connect without constantly being on your guard. 

When you experience unsafety in everyday situations, this can be linked to experiences from your childhood. For example, because you grew up in a religious family where you were afraid of the consequences if you revealed that you are attracted to men. Or because you were bullied or excluded at school because you were different from your classmates. Perhaps you had no one with whom you truly felt seen or heard, your parents or caregivers were emotionally absent, or you experienced sexual abuse at an early age.

As a result, you unconsciously learned that something dangerous or frightening can always happen. Your brain then remains constantly alert to danger. You are on your guard, startle easily, or constantly prepare for the worst-case scenario. A chronic sense of unsafety is a logical consequence of what you have experienced, but usually has a major impact on your daily life and on the way you enter into and maintain relationships.

This might look like this, for example:

If you recognize something of yourself in this, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It is actually a sign that your system once learned to protect you. The question then is not how to turn that off as quickly as possible, but what helps you feel just a little bit safer.

A first step to increasing your psychological safety is to actively seek out places, people, or memories that evoke a sense of safety. Some men feel this when they come home and close the door behind them. Others experience it outdoors in nature, with their partner, or with a good friend. And perhaps there is currently no place or person where you feel completely safe. In that case, it can be helpful to think of an image or memory that symbolizes safety for you.

Then take the time to notice what happens in your body when you think of this place, person, or image. Maybe something changes in your breathing. You may feel less tension in your jaw, shoulders or neck. And maybe nothing will change. The more often you take the time to connect with that sense of security in calm situations, the easier it can become to calm yourself when tension or stress increases. And when your nervous system calms down, there is often more room to act freely.

Give yourself time
Psychological safety usually does not develop all at once. It takes time, repetition and sometimes support from someone who helps you regulate your emotions. Do you have any questions, or would you like to explore together what I can do for you? Schedule a free consultation below.