Why can't I enjoy sex? And how can I get the pleasure back?

Jul 24 / Rene Luisman
If your mind suddenly wonders off during sex, it can be very frustrating. Instead of enjoying yourself, you doubt yourself and your head works overtime. Am I doing it right? Does he find me attractive enough? Why can't I enjoy it? Is there something wrong with me?

Enjoying sex and intimacy often has to do with safety. It requires a deep form of letting go. Therefore, safety in relationships is not only about physical safety, but also about emotional, relational, and bodily safety. Are you aware of your needs and desires? Do you dare to show yourself? And can you remain present and surrender to the lust and chemistry between you?

Safety is more than physical safety
When your body experiences a sense of insecurity, your alertness often increases as well. You focus on what you think the other person expects of you, try to come up with solutions to regain control of the situation, or conversely, lose touch with your body. You want to enjoy yourself, but the more you think about it, the harder it becomes to do so.

Many gay men have, consciously or unconsciously, received signals that their needs and desires were not necessarily welcome. For example, due to uncomfortable reactions at home, jokes at school, religious or cultural messages, the lack of positive examples or the expectation that you should mainly behave 'normally'. As a result, intimacy can later unconsciously be linked to shame: the fear of not being attractive enough, masculine enough, relaxed enough, sexual enough or simply not good enough.
Shame and old beliefs
To surrender to intimacy, it is necessary to be in touch with your body. That you notice physical sensations of pleasure, that you dare to surrender to them step by step, and that you open yourself up to the other person.
If you do revert to your head, this may be because the other person is moving too fast, because you still need something to feel safe, or because you are inhibited by old experiences and beliefs.

Examples of limiting beliefs are:
• I have to perform or deliver.
• I always have to be in the mood.
• My body has to look a certain way.
• If I indicate what I really like, the other person rejects me.
• Sex has to come naturally, otherwise there is something wrong with me.

These beliefs often didn't just appear out of nowhere. Sometimes they were once a way to protect yourself, to belong, or to avoid rejection. What once offered protection can later actually cause tension, distance, or performance pressure. Safety is not created by forcing yourself to be freer, but by taking your nervous system, your body, and your boundaries and needs seriously. So what can you actually do about this?

Five tips to enjoy intimacy more
These five tips will help you feel freer and enjoy intimacy more:
  • Check with yourself: what do I need to feel a little safer? Do I need something from the other person, or can I do something myself to feel more at ease?
  • Before becoming intimate, take a moment to give yourself permission to enjoy. By doing this consciously, more space is usually created to slow down, to feel, and surrender step by step to what is pleasant.
  • Also consider what you find pleasant. Where do you like to be touched? Does eye contact help you, or does it distract you? Do you like it when the other person encourages you with words? Your partner cannot read your mind. It helps both him and you if you can indicate what turns you on and what helps you enjoy yourself.
  • Notice when you feel pressure to perform or to please. What is the first signal that you are disconnecting from your body or focusing too much on the other person? What helps you relax again at such a moment?
  • Write down five beliefs you hold about intimacy and sexuality. For each belief, consider whether you truly agree with it and whether this belief is actually yours or if you have unconsciously adopted it from others. If the belief is limiting, see if you can rephrase it to create more space to explore and enjoy.
Do you recognize yourself in this, and would you like to explore how you can experience more safety and pleasure in intimacy? As a coach, I would be happy to think along with you.
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