You don't have to prove even more that you are good enough

Why we keep seeking recognition — and what lies beneath it.

A different partner, a better job, or a more athletic body. More money, more success, more recognition. Maybe you tell yourself that your life will finally get better then. But if you doubt your self-worth deep down, something else is needed.

Why achieving more doesn't always bring more peace

Desires are human. They can provide direction, bring energy, and help you grow. But if they stem from old wounds, those same desires can also become a way to avoid feeling the real pain. Then they can unknowingly become a strategy to compensate for or hide old insecurity.

Perhaps you recognize this. That, as a gay man, you learned, consciously or unconsciously, that who you are was not automatically welcome. So, from a young age, you learned to keep going, to improve yourself, and to make something of your life. That can have been a tremendous strength. It may have made you independent, ambitious, sensitive to what is going on, and determined to earn your place. At the same time, it can become exhausting to constantly maintain that image, especially if you continue to feel deep down that something is still missing to be completely okay in the eyes of others.

You then use your dreams, desires, and successes not only to grow, but also to avoid underlying pain or discomfort. Perhaps because you are afraid that pain will overwhelm you, because it reassures you, or because you hope that everything will be fine once you achieve enough. But in the meantime, you are building a life that may look strong and successful to others, while it can still feel empty inside.

From proving yourself to understanding yourself

A fitter body, more success, or a different partner does not resolve a shaky sense of self-worth. To achieve that, you shouldn't work harder to change yourself, but slow down and reflect on what's underneath. Back to the part of you that once learned: I must adapt, prove myself, hide, or put on a brave face to receive love, security, or recognition. That younger part of you hasn't disappeared. It has developed strategies to hold its own.

So the question isn't: how do I finally become enough in the eyes of others? The question is rather: which part of me still believes that I am not good enough?

So, it starts with listening attentively to your inner child. To that young boy inside you who once felt, consciously or unconsciously, that he, or a part of him, was not welcome. Who sensed flawlessly that it could be unsafe, or have consequences, if he were to show his full self. And to protect yourself, you started holding back, pleasing others, or performing better. Not because there was anything wrong with you, but because at the time that might have seemed like the only way to get love, safety, or recognition.

And now, in your adult life, this inner child reveals itself when it feels unsafe or unseen. Moments when your reaction is just a little more intense or emotional than actually suits the situation. If someone distances themselves, you immediately think that you are being rejected or are not important. If someone says something critical, that remark keeps ringing in your head for days. If someone gets too close, you withdraw or start people-pleasing. What seems like adult behavior is often an old defense mechanism being reactivated. But as long as you keep building only on the surface, you remain dependent on validation.

Only when you are willing to examine the patterns behind your behavior do you gain insight into the feelings and needs that lie beneath. And if you can stay with that, true peace can emerge. Not because everything is perfect, but because you no longer need to run away from yourself.

Your younger self probably doesn't need to be criticized or pushed to work even harder or take on more responsibility. What the child needs is to hear, time and time again, that it is loved. Just the way you are.

By touching yourself where you feel untouched, something new and most powerful happens. You begin to take up residence within yourself. - John Welwood, American psychologist (1943 - 2019)

True change occurs when you give yourself the unconditional love and acceptance that the child within you craves so much. And often, that goes hand in hand with acknowledging that you have also missed out on a lot and grieving for it.

Four questions to explore your needs

These questions might help you to understand the underlying needs: